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February 10

...

Why do I bother writing my thoughts anymore? It's not like anyone actually pays attention to this shit anyways. For the rare few that do, thank you- it means a lot.

So, what am I going to rant about? Myself- the mockery of humanity.

I wake up every day feeling like absolute shit. There's nothing new for the next day; it seems to just follow the same pattern: wake up, go to work/school, come home (res), sit in my room, sleep, repeat. I feel shut-out from the world 24/7. I don't fit in with anyone- well, I shouldn't say that. I've got, once again the rare few, who give a damn and who I can relate to. Aside from the socialization I receive from them, my life is lonely; I thought moving out would change all that, but it didn't. Somehow, it seems to have intensified. I can't get over Skye, no matter how f*cking hard I try, so there's just one more stumbling-block I have to deal with day in and day out. Life has lost its lustre (like it had any in the first place). I just don't feel like doing anything anymore- I feel like a rat in a cage, abandoned by its owner. I just want to get out, leave everything behind and explore- but I'm tied down by the drudgery which we call life: school, work, responsibilities, family, expectations. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of the sound of my own voice. I'm sick of the way I act. I'm sick of the way I look. I'm sick of everything that entails me, everything that is who I am. I don't want anything of this world anymore. I don't want your corporations that sell beauty, while shutting out the sh!t like me. I don't want your fashions, I don't want your politics, I don't want your cliques, I don't want your anything. I just want... to be free. From everything.

What hurts the most is knowing the person you love the most in the entire world hates you in return, and there's nothing that will ever change that. Equally, it hurts knowing that I can't get her out of my head. Once again, simultaneously, it hurts knowing that even if I did get over her there'd be no one waiting for me afterwards.

I guess I'll just live my life out being the "just in case"- waiting behind a glass-pane, waiting to be used in case of an emergency.

I just wanted to be happy again. I guess it wasn't meant to be.

There's so much I want to say... but I just can't put it into writing. I feel so empty. Just waiting for my ticket to be punched, I guess. So, this is the miracle of life. So f*cking wonderous.

...

10:07 PM | Blog it

Comments (2)

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Matthew Smith-Neuertwrote:

after the shit thats happened i know how you felt when you wrote this. all i can say is the little voice in the back of my head thats saying DONT STOP KEEP TRYING better fuck off

Aug. 6

Kris Valleywrote:

blah dude...totally feel the same today...life is just the same meaningless vicious circle of lost dreams, lost friends, lost hopes, and stuck in things you can't feel for anymore like school or work. it gets to the point where you just want to say screw it, walk away, and hope something is better somewhere else. and when you leave it does seem better for awhile, until some form of bad karma follows you and gives you something more to worry about and lose or get too much sleep over. the only thing i can make for any of this is you can't know what the good is unless you've dived into the shit...

- Kristen :P (i do read look at me! come to lethy! lol)

Mar. 13

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